Make-Up Sex: Turn On or Off? Know Thyself… | Center for Growth Therapy

Make-Up Sex: Turn On or Off? Know Thyself ( and Thy Partner)

Alex , CAS, MSW, ACSW, LCSW — Founder & executive director

Marital problems and make-up sex: Are you still able to enjoy moments of intimacy with your partner even though there are problems in the relationship? Is the quality of sex that the two of you enjoy independent of how well the two of you are getting along? Are you and your partner comfortable with the ways in which the two of you are intimate? Many couples have different styles and needs of intimacy. For example some couples who do not get along simply do not want to have sex. Fighting for them is a ‘turn off.’ In contrast, some couples experience the best sex of their life when they fight. For them the make-up brings out the passionate feelings that each of them have. From our experience, understanding how you, and your partner individually each experience fighting and sexual connection can prevent miscommunication. To help each of you evaluate for yourself the way you and your partner each perceive things, ask yourself the following make-up sex questions.

  • Do you use sex as a way to connect to your partner? And make sure that everything is OK?
  • After what types of fights have you wanted to have sex with your partner?
  • After what types of fights have you not wanted to have sex with your partner?
  • When have you had the best sex with your partner?
  • When have you had the worst sex with your partner?
  • Are you more turned on when you feel very secure in a relationship, or when you are insecure and partially afraid that he/she could leave you?
  • Describe an example of ‘boring’ sex between you and your partner? How about an “exciting” sexual experience ? What were the main differences How do you think your partner would answer these questions?

Share your response(s) with your partner. Understanding your partners perspective about make-up sex is the first step in fixing the problem.
Infrequent sex / Poor sex can be an indicator that the actual marriage is in trouble. Many times the ‘sexual problem’ has nothing to do with sex, and everything to do with the underlying dynamics between you and your partner. Sex is simply the identifiable problem. Thus, if this is the case, then you may benefit from meeting with a sex therapist. (good sex therapists are also trained in marriage counseling. By addressing the underlying issues, many people will then begin to desire sex again.

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