Sex Therapy & Couples Counseling in Philadelphia: Communication is the key in any long distance relationship. Luckily, in our modern, tech-savvy society there are several mediums that can promote and enhance sexual communication. One unique way of communicating long distance, in a personal way, is through Skype. Skype is a free video-chat program where users can call one another and talk live, with video footage. Additionally, the program provides the capability to share your own computer screen with the individual you are skyping with. Users can send and receive files through the program as well. With this great resource available, couples can feel like they are communicating in person and seems to minimize the physical distance they are truly at experiencing.
It is important to note that this is an emerging technology and there is nothing inherently safe about making Skype sexy. Anyone can record the video images that are being shared and this should only be done between two totally committed, safe people. However, you always run the risk of having the images shared with unintended recipients if your partner chooses to save the video or if someone gains access to your account. Before engaging in this behavior you need to be cognizant that you are making a decision that may make you vulnerable to public scrutiny, as there is no security guarantee. Yet, Skype video-chat is a great program because it minimizes accidental risk. Accidental risk means that the video will not automatically save on your computer’s desktop for the next person to find or the video will not automatically be sent to all of your contacts with the wrong click of a button. In many ways, Skype’s video-chat option takes away some of the risks that can accompany recording the image/file that is being shared and having that leak onto the Internet. In order to record a Skype video one would have to do so intentionally; however, one’s text-chat history is saved automatically. So while it is not impossible for someone to record the live video, it is much less likely due to the technicality of the program, particularly if you and your partner agree not to save any of the footage. There are many ways you can express yourself sexually via Skype with a partner but for the purpose of this tip, we will focus on mutual sexual expression and masturbation with your long distance partner.
Setting the mood:
Well, this is not your typical in person romantic situation where you might typically set the mood with a variety of enhancers like candle light or mood music. In this situation you can’t light candles because it will affect your lighting. For your partner to see you more clearly you should be in a well light room. In general, your ambiance should include minimal things because of the limited visibility of the computers camera. For example, if you have a laptop and are planning on initiating your sexual rendezvous on your bed, you should clear your bed of too many blankets and pillows. The room should be comfortable for you, but if you have too many other objects in the camera’s frame it can only lead to potential blocks in visibility as well as distraction from you—the main thing your partner wants to see! Furthermore, if you are planning on bringing in any sex toys or additional supplies you should gather these materials and put them in location that is easy to access while you are in the moment. Additionally, make some technical steps to insure that your skyping experience can go as smoothly as possible. First of all it is important to adjust your computer’s sleep time and screen saver display. There is nothing more frustrating then seeing your partner’s erection disappear due to a computer setting! Similarly, if you are using a laptop, clear several spaces around the room to set your laptop on so you can change angles during the act without distraction or causing a scene. It is also helpful to have your laptop plugged into an electric outlet or have the power cord nearby, as Skype requires a lot of battery power.
Initiation: Because you are not physically close to your partner you have to be direct and purposeful with your language. To set the tone for a night of erotic skyping there are many things you can do. It can be helpful to develop a nickname for your erotic skyping activity so you both know what one another are talking about—it takes the guessing out of the dialogue. One way to do this is to establish a flirty nickname (i.e. “sexy skype,” “sexy time,” “date night,” etc.) To also make the expectation for erotic skyping it is helpful to schedule it with your partner. Especially if you both have busy or conflicting schedules. This can allow both partners to think about and expect intimacy later in the day—to look forward to it. Another direct way to communicate and initiate sex while skyping, without pre-establishing the activity, is to introduce your desire early in the conversation. This may look like: “Partner: How was your day? You: Good, I have been missing you though—thinking about you a lot! Partner: Really? You: Yes! I’ve missed being close you and I have been turned on just thinking about you—I was thinking we could make this a ‘sexy skype’ night.” Use language that both you and your partner are comfortable with. After all, there is no right or wrong way to do this.
Cyber Performance: Now that you have both established that you are going to have cyber-sex you can proceed as you would if you were physically together. Begin to talk dirty to one another. Start with your “light” version of dirty talk (i.e. “I can’t stop thinking about your sexy body.”) and then progress to more direct dirty talk (i.e. “I love your cock, take it out of your pants so I can see it.” or “Let me see your wet pussy.”). This talk should progress as you both take off your clothes. This can take place in many ways—given your available space.
There are several ways you can perform a cyber-strip tease that tend to be more conservative (in terms of showing your body on the Internet) but will still drive your partner crazy with anticipation. I like to call this “cyber-safe-sex.” To do this you can leave your underwear on and keep your nipples covered (if you are female). You can also make the distinction to either cut your face out of the camera’s frame so you can only see your body. Or you can do the reverse and only show your face while making the decision not to show your genitalia. To perform a cyber-safe-sex strip tease for your partner, position the camera so you cannot see your face and strip down to your lingerie. As you dramatically remove your clothes add a sexy dance well paying careful attention that you are not accidentally showing your face. Next, after you and your partner are sufficiently excited, you can begin to pleasure yourself. You can do this with your hand or with a sex toy. The dirty talk and directing of your partner should keep up throughout the entire process. You and your partner may decide to masturbate mutually; here the emphasis is less on watching your partner, but occasionally looking at the computer screen to watching each other touch your partner and continuing to pleasure yourself. You might also decide to play a sexy version of “Simon Says” where one partner watches and directs the other partner on how to touch themselves and where to place the computer’s camera for a better view. This can be very erotic for both partners.
Logistics: There are several logistics that should be taken into account when having cyber-sex with your partner, as it is difficult to make technical adjustments mid sex. So make all the necessary adjustments to your computer before initiating sex and make sure that you have everything you need nearby. It is also important to use clear and direct dialogue with your partner so there is limited room for miscommunication—this is suppose to be used as a medium to increase communication, not misperceive it! And lastly, remember to have fun.
Have Fun: Do not become too critical of yourself while mutually masturbating with your partner. But you should always remember that with technology there is always the possibility that your message or video is not only being shared with your intended recipient. So please be careful and establish clear rules with your partner and only engage in sexual acts over the Internet with someone who you can trust.