Exploring the Pleasures of Anal Sex… | Counseling | Therapy

Exploring the Pleasures of Anal Sex and Stimulation

Alex , CAS, MSW, ACSW, LCSW — Founder & executive director

Throughout the world, there are many taboos against anal stimulation. Yet, despite the sexual taboos, the sexual practice continues. Depending upon which static you read, 20%-50% of the population has dabbled in anal stimulation / anal sex. The most common reasons people report they engage in anal stimulation is because it feels good, they were curious or they wanted to please their partner.

From a biological perspective, the anus is rich with nerve endings. These nerve endings are interconnected with the main pelvic muscles. During orgasm, the pelvic muscles rhythmically contract. When first experimenting with anal stimulation, many people report feeling pain. Once relaxation techniques are applied, the pain might dissipate and turn into pleasure. Please note, not everyone will like anal sex / anal stimulation. Each person is an individual with his or her own unique likes and dislikes.

Relaxation Techniques for the person receiving anal sex / anal stimulation:

  • Relax your anal muscles. The best way to learn how to relax your anal muscles is by trying to tighten them. Clamp down on your anal muscles as hard as you can, and hold for 2 minutes. Then stop. By default your anus is relaxed. Once you have identified relaxed anal muscles, try relaxing them without first tightening them.
  • Visualize positive sensations.
  • Remind yourself that you are engaging in anal stimulation by choice. Your partner wants to please you. She/he is having fun exploring your body and your reactions.
    Slow your whole body down by taking deep slow breaths.

Other tips and tricks for the person receiving anal stimulation / anal sex:

  • Urinate and defecate before engaging in sex play
  • Clean yourself well before engaging in sex play. That way you will feel clean.
  • Diet plays a major role in anal stimulation enjoyment. Those who have regular poops are more able to enjoy it. Thus, eat lots of leafy green vegetables, and fibrous foods. Foods that are highly processed are more likely to make you constipated.
  • Do kegels.

Techniques for the person giving anal sex / anal stimulation:

  • Talk your partner through the breathing exercises (see above descriptions). Make sure you tell your partner that there are no time pressures. The goal is to only move forward when both people are ready.
  • You can tell when your partner has relaxed his / her anal muscles because they will feel relaxed. From a technical perspective, there are two muscle rings surrounding the anal opening, otherwise known as the sphincters. One sphincter is voluntarily controlled by the central nervous system and the other is controlled by the central nervous system. The external sphincter is the one that you can learn to relax. The internal one is automatic, much like blinking your eyes. To locate the sphincters, put your finger inside the anus and insert it a half an inch. On walls, you should be able to feel the two different muscles. They are located closely together.
  • Talk dirty / sexy. Use positive images. Distract your partner’s brain from focusing on the ‘dirty’ parts of anal play, such as the fact that you will get poop on your fingers. Use language to direct your partner’s mind to visualize his/her mind on the sensations.
  • Tell your partner that it is OK if they feel the need to poop. Your goal is to help them relax into the new sensations. If your partner is so worried about the full feeling, they may tighten up and have difficulty relaxing.
  • As you move closer to the anus, ask your partner if it feels OK? Ask for permission to keep going. Sometimes partners need an extra few minutes to catch his or her breath. To penetrate the anus, start with a small finger. Cut your fingernails. You do not want to tear the lining of the anus. Use a lot of lubricant. There is no such thing as too much lubricant. Use a steady slow touch. Insert your finger straight. Pull out slowly. Repeat.
  • Go slowly. As you move about, tell your partner what you are about to do, so that he/she is mentally prepared.
  • Ask your partner to practice tightening and relaxing his/her anal muscles. Continue using one finger.
  • Move your finger in a slow circle inside the anus. Again, ask your partner for feedback. What type of touch feels most pleasurable to him/her?
  • In the beginning five minutes of anal stimulation may be more than sufficient. Getting comfortable with anal stimulation / anal sex may take weeks or even months. Sometimes a person never does. Each of us are unique and experience things differently. Your job is simply to get to know your partner better and to help him/her get the most out of sex.
  • Once you are able to use one finger on five different occasions, try two fingers.
  • Before engaging in anal sex, make sure you help ‘warm up’ your partner’s anus be using your fingers first.
  • Upon initial penetration, we recommend doggy style. The person receiving anal sex can then be in control of the speed of penetration.
  • Anal sex can be pleasurable either from the mental perspective or the physical perspectives. Ask your partner how they view it. Then get creative and build upon whatever their answers are. For example, if your partner is aroused from the dirtiness of anal sex, how can you create a dirtier image? In contrast, if your partner is disgusted by the dirtiness of anal sex, but truly enjoys the sensations, how can you help your partner focus on just the sensations?

General Guidelines for engaging in anal play / anal sex:

  • To minimize the risk of infection from bacteria from defecation, always wash your hands / genitals with soap before engaging in penile-vaginal, or hand-vaginal stimulation, hand-penile stimulation.
  • Communication is key. If you are struggling with communication, we strongly encourage the following exercise.
  • Use lots of lubrication.
  • Use condoms.
  • Test for sexually transmitted infections.
  • Just because something is liked one day, does not mean that the person is going to enjoy it the next day. Always check in with your partner.

For more information, visit Sex Therapy in Philadelphia or call 267-324-9564.

At TCFG you can schedule directly online with a therapist or by calling (215) 922-LOVE (5683) ext 100 and speaking with our intake department. Lastly, you can call our Director, “Alex” Caroline Robboy, CAS, MSW, LCSW at (267) 324–9564 to discuss your particular situation. For your convenience, we have six physical mental health counseling / therapy offices. We provide mental health counseling and talk therapy both inperson and virtually.

    OUR GUARANTEE: you deserve the best couples counselor or marriage therapist possible. If you don't feel like the couples therapist that you met with was the right fit, then free of charge you can try out a different therapist. Being in a group practices allows for flexibility.

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What makes talking about anal sex so taboo?
Anal sex is often considered taboo in many cultures and societies due to a combination of historical, cultural, religious, and social factors. Taboos are social norms or beliefs that designate certain behaviors, activities, or topics as unacceptable, forbidden, or inappropriate. Here are some reasons why anal sex might be considered taboo:

  1. Cultural and Religious Beliefs: In some cultures and religious traditions, anal sex may be prohibited or discouraged due to beliefs about purity, morality, and the sanctity of certain sexual activities. Cultural and religious teachings can influence attitudes toward sex and what is considered appropriate or inappropriate behavior.
  2. Historical Stigma: Throughout history, anal sex has been associated with power dynamics, domination, and subordination. In some contexts, it has been seen as a form of degradation or humiliation, contributing to the stigma surrounding the practice.
  3. Lack of Education: Misinformation and lack of education about anal sex can contribute to misunderstandings and unfounded fears. People might not have accurate information about safe practices, potential risks, and ways to engage in anal sex consensually and comfortably.
  4. Gender and Identity Norms: Traditional gender roles and norms often dictate what is considered "normal" sexual behavior. Anal sex may challenge these norms and be viewed as non-conformist or deviant, leading to social stigma.
  5. Privacy and Shame: Anal sex involves an intimate and private part of the body, which can lead to feelings of shame or embarrassment due to societal attitudes about bodily functions and private activities.
  6. Media and Cultural Representations: The way anal sex is portrayed in media can shape societal perceptions. If it's sensationalized, misrepresented, or used for shock value, it can reinforce the notion that anal sex is something deviant or forbidden.
  7. Health Concerns and Misconceptions: Misconceptions about the health risks of anal sex, such as the belief that it can cause harm or lead to certain health issues, can contribute to the stigma. Accurate information about safe practices and preventative measures is important for dispelling these concerns.
  8. Social Pressure and Judgment: People may fear social judgment or ostracization if they openly discuss or engage in anal sex due to the prevailing stigma. This can lead to a lack of open dialogue and perpetuate the sense of taboo.

It's important to note that attitudes toward anal sex vary widely depending on cultural, religious, and individual beliefs. What might be considered taboo in one context might be accepted or even celebrated in another. As societies evolve and discussions about sexual health and relationships become more open, some of the taboos surrounding anal sex may gradually shift. Open communication, education, and respectful discourse can contribute to a better understanding of diverse sexual practices and help challenge unfounded stigmas.


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