A Guide to Topping | Counseling | Therapy

A Guide to Topping

A Guide to Topping: Whether it’s your first time or 40th time, knowing how to go about topping can enhance the experience for not only yourself, but your partner as well. This guide to topping will go over major points to take into account when topping. Before going into the guide to topping it’s important to review some terminology and what topping means. The term topping refers to the person who is on the giving end of anal intercourse. Topping is usually used with in the gay men’s community, but it can be applied to any individual who is the giver. Most people assume that anal intercourse refers strictly to gay men. This is false. Many individuals who are gay, straight, and bisexual enjoy anal pleasure! Anal play can be extremely pleasurable for men due to the stimulation of the prostate, which is located in the anal cavity. Women can also receive pleasure as the stimulation of the anus is close to vagina.

Part of good topping is being mindful of how the person who bottoming is feeling. Check-in with yourself and them, are you guys feeling it tonight? Is the person bottoming feeling it? Topping involves a lot of listening, patience, and being open to what your bottom may be saying in regards to what feels good and doesn’t. Coming up with ways before hand for your partner to signal to you what feels good and doesn’t can be a good first step before they bottom. This could be as easy as “hey that doesn’t feel good can you stop” or just “stop”, “go slower”, and so on. This is also a great opportunity to bridge new forms of communication and intimacy with one another.

Similar to bottoming, paying attention to eating is important. Before you top having a large meal, a meal that makes you gassy, or a fibrous meal may not be the best meal choices. Focus on things that are lean and non-filling. Like for the person who’s bottoming waiting an hour or 2 before having sex can make the experience much more pleasurable. Just imagine how full or bloated one feels after eating, do you really want to have sex that way?

Once you the person who is bottoming find yourselves in bed start with some foreplay. Often the top will initiate the play to make the bottom more comfortable. One of the best foreplay methods is the insertion of fingers into the anus. Make sure your nails are trimmed prior to this. Begin by putting lube on the anus of the bottom and a little on your finger. Insert the finger slowly into the bottom’s anus. If the bottom seems to wince or says stop then STOP. Ask your partner “how does this feel”? Followed by “would you like me to go further?”. Once your finger is fully inserted keep it there. Let the person who is bottoming become acclimated to how it feels. Once they give the go ahead, similar to sex, move your finger in and out. Increase velocity based on the bottom’s request. Insert more fingers as the person who is bottoming becomes more comfortable. You can also move from fingers to toys such as butt plugs or dildos. In this case follow the same procedure that will be outlined below for actual anal intercourse.

When the person who is bottoming feels ready let them get into the apt position for bottoming. Make sure you put enough lubricant on both yourself and the person’s anus. Since it may be their first time GO SLOWLY. This may involve pleasuring around the anus with the tip of the toy/dildo or your penis. Slowly insert the penis and ask “does this feel okay”. If the person responds with yes go slowly further in. If not then you might need more lubricant. If the person is bottoming for the first time they may feel uncomfortable as the penis or toy is being inserted further. This is normal. Read their body cues. If they seem to wince or pull away then you may need to pull out or wait to go further. Encourage them to pleasure themselves as it directs attention away from possible pain.

Once fully inserted, follow the lead of the person who is bottoming. This may look like “would you like me to go faster?”, “how does this feel?”, “would you like to change positions?”. Part of topping is constantly being mindful of body cues of pain (i.e. screams, wincing, ect.) and pleasure. Always ask your partner if it feels okay. If ever the person who is bottoming says stop then stop immediately. When stopping slowly pull out of the person.

As always when having sex it’s important to be safe. Always wear a condom. Make sure you have recently been tested and that your partner has been as well. Even if you have been seeing someone for a significant amount of time, or just started dating, make sure both of you have been tested. Once you feel comfortable, safe, and have been tested then moving on to sex without a condom would be fine.

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