When it comes to sex, there are so many more possibilities than penile-vaginal intercourse. There’s intimate touching, kissing, oral, role-play, toys, anal, and so much more. For many couples anal intercourse is a great way to explore sexuality and switch it up in the bedroom. There is some stigma around heterosexual men who enjoy receiving anal stimulation. The term “pegging” is specific to anal sex in heterosexual couples, when the woman penetrates the man with a strap-on (a harness like device that a person wears to hold a phallus shaped toy for the purposes of penetrating one’s partner). The word pegging was created to unlink anal sex for men from gay sex. The male “g-spot” equivalent is located in their prostate, so anal stimulation can feel particularly good for people with prostates. Pegging can be a fun way to exchange power roles and differentials in the sexual relationship.
Why Pegging?
For Men
People might wonder why a man would want to be penetrated by a woman. It’s because anal sex can feel good for people with prostates. The prostate is a walnut sized gland that transports the sperm through ejaculatory duct to the urethra when the man is about to reach orgasm. The prostate plays an essential role in the pleasure men receive when they orgasm! The only way to reach the prostate is through the anus, which also has a multitude of nerve endings.
Beyond physical pleasure it can also feel good mentally. Men are often expected to constantly be in control as the aggressor, in everyday life and in the bedroom. This is a lot of pressure and can sometimes wear men down. Giving up that control can be a wonderful release. By allowing the woman to become penetrator, pegging allows the man to no longer conform to some pressures of masculinity.
For Women
Pegging can also be pleasurable mentally and physically (if you have a specific type of dildo) as well. Just as it is mentally pleasurable for the man to become the submissive, the woman can get a lot of enjoyment out of being in control as the penetrator. Pegging can have crossovers with the Bondage/ Dominance/ Submission/Sadism/ Masochism (BDSM) community because of submission and domination aspects. It can be just as liberating for the woman to take on this role reversal because of her gender role expectations in society. In a world where men often have the upper hand, it can be extremely cathartic to be in control of one. However, there are other ways women could enjoy pegging. For example, seeing your partner in pleasure could be satisfying for the woman. Compersion is a phrase that means seeing your partner pleasured, gives you pleasure.
There are some dildo/ toys that stimulate the woman’s g-spot and clitoris while she pegs her partner. Some toys have a piece that is inserted into woman’s vagina or a piece that vibrates the clitoris. It can be one or the other or it can be both. It really just depends on the toy.
Now that you have a basic understanding of some of the pleasurable benefits of pegging, what next? Here are some tips on what to expect from pegging.
1. Communication
Pegging is not something that will necessarily happen spontaneously. If you and your partner are new to pegging, there is a lot for the two of you to discuss. Communicate with your partner about expectations, needs, and wants. It is normal to feel uncomfortable talking to your partner about trying something new, especially when society considers it taboo. However, when you are in a relationship where you are able to open up and accept one another unconditionally, the intimacy increases and the relationship deepens. If you are worried about hurting your partner, talk to them about it. Communicating while pegging is also important. Whether its non-verbal moans or verbal words where the man can let his partner know that he is still enjoying and wants to continue playing. Be sure to pick a safe word that means that one or both partners want to stop.
2. Start Small
Warm up! Foreplay is always helpful to relax each other’s body and get into the mood. Starting with a finger, then two or three eases into the play scene. It’s also important to start small because some discomfort can be expected, especially if the man has never anally explored before. Trying different toy shapes and size facilitates exploration of your partner’s body and the sensations that come with it. Next comes the strap on. Go shopping for a toy together! Something as simple as going together to pick out a strap on or dildo can increase intimacy, connection, and trust within the relationship. First, the woman needs to pick out a harness that feels secure to her body. From there, many different dildos can attach onto the harness. There is no knowing which dildo is going to be the most pleasurable, but there is no shame in starting with a smaller sized dildo.
3. Lube, Lube, and more Lube
When it comes to anal sex, lube is essential and necessary! Pegging is different from typical anal sex because the dildo is not attached to the woman’s body, but a separate entity. Therefore, it is more difficult to know when the lube has worn off. Additionally, unlike the vagina, the anus does not produce natural lubricant. In order to prevent tearing, always make sure that lube is used! In addition to tearing prevention, lube also increases pleasure! Don’t hold back, the wetter the better. If you are using a silicone toy, make sure to use water-based lube. If you use silicone lube with a silicone toy, the toy will be ruined. To be safe and re-apply lube as often as you can.
4. Pegging might feel different at first
If it’s the first couple times, pegging might feel different because of the unfamiliarity with this type of role reversal. It’s totally okay and normal to feel a little weird because you are trying something new! There can be laughing and giggling! It can be silly. Pegging might also feel natural at first try. Pegging will be unique to your relationship.
5. Play with positions
Pegging positions are different than typical sex because of the location of the anus. Therefore, missionary position may be tricky and difficult. However, it can be done if the man lays on his back with his legs up in the air. A position that might be great to start with is the man on top of the woman. This is a great starting position because the man can be in control. He can sit as low or as high on the phallus penetrating his anus, as he wants to test out the water. One disadvantage to this position is that the weight of the man might be too much for the woman to handle. Another position to try might be doggy style because the anus will be easily accessible and both the man and woman can be in control. The man can keep his legs as close together or far apart as he is comfortable with and the woman can either be on her knees, squatting position, or standing up. Having legs closer together will allow for more shallow penetration, while having legs further apart allow for deeper penetration. The woman can achieve deep penetration in this position, so make sure to check in with your partner at times. Trying different positions is a great way to explore your partner’s pleasure. Every person is different so some positions may be more enjoyable than others
6. After-care
Take time to caress your partner and cuddle them after. Some scenes in power exchange and role reversal can get intense, so cuddling can be a nice way to decompress. Pegging can be exhausting for both partners, so cuddling and touching can be an amazing way to build intimacy and recuperate afterwards. Holding your partner and touching them gently will encourage the release of oxytocin, a powerful neurotransmitter, which will make you and your partner feel connected.
7. Clean up
Any type of anal play can get messy. If it is a worry or concern for you and your partner, start the session in the shower. This can also be a fun way to get the blood flowing in a steamy shower. The hot water can also help relax the tension in the muscles, aiding in a more comfortable transition into pegging. If you decide to try pegging in the shower, make sure you still use lube. Water is not a lube. It may be easier to try silicone lube in the shower, since it works better with water. If you chose to peg in bed, I would suggest laying a towel down to lessen the mess.
Remember that pegging is a sensitive subject matter. Openness and honesty is important to facilitate in the relationship. Make sure to validate your partner’s feelings. Men may feel guilt and shame around their desire to be penetrated because of the hetero-normative aspects of our culture. Pegging is also a process. It might not work the first couple times you try it. Patience, communication, and compassion are important. We have In-Person Therapy offices in Philadelphia PA, Mechanicsville VA, Ocean City NJ, Santa Fe NM.
