Feel like yourself again after a breakup:

Relationship and Grief Therapy Therapy in Philadelphia PA, Ocean City NJ, Santa Fe,NM Mechanicsville VA

Breakups are hard. No matter if you initiated it or were blindsided, if you were together for 8 weeks, 8 months or 8 years, or if you were married with kids or casually seeing each other. It may have been the best option for you, but that doesn’t mean that everything will be better immediately. Relationships can impact our identity and sense of self. We can get lost in a relationship, depend on a partner(s) to do or be something for us, or change or let go of certain parts of ourselves. So, it is common to feel lost and not like yourself and like you want to feel like yourself again after a breakup. You may feel like part of you has left or that you just want to go back to the way you were before. Even just feelings of sadness or loss can make you feel not like yourself after a breakup. These feelings of being lost or not like yourself can also make the impacts of a breakup worse. So, how do you feel like yourself again after a breakup?

It can be difficult to know where to start when trying to feel like yourself again after a breakup. Master of breakup songs Taylor Swift seems to speak to many breakup survivors in her song All Too Well, “I’d like to be my old self again but I’m still trying to find it.” So, where do we start? How can be be our old selves again and how can we find our old self?

Knowing how relationships can impact our identity and sense of self can be helpful in understanding why you don’t feel like yourself after a breakup, and therefore how to fix it. Relationships involve two or more individuals coming together to create something new. Each person brings with them their values, past experiences, biases, personalities, communication styles, etc. Instead of only attending to themself and acting in their own interest, people are now responsible for attending to and considering the needs and interests of their partner(s). They can also involve a new way of living: maybe in a relationship you now have someone to confide in, to cook for you, to be your support, etc. So, when creating a relationship, it is natural for the people in it to shift some ways of being to better support their partner(s) or their relationship. Maybe this means reacting in a more gentle way, carving out time for a date night, or prioritizing your partner and your relationship over other things in your life, like your friends or job. The introduction of a new relationship often brings gaining new things, which also means you lose some others. It also means that you may be able to rely on someone else or someone new to fill some needs or to release some pressure off yourself. Instead of turning to your best friend or family, you may turn to your partner(s) in times of need. Instead of both cooking and cleaning for yourself, you may only cook and your partner may clean. So, when you go through a breakup, it can feel like you are lost. A natural way to combat this feeling of being lost and hurt is to remember what your life was like before the relationship and want to go back to being that person. However, in reality, time has passed, things are different in the world, with those in your life, and with yourself. You have gone through a relationship and a breakup. You have had different experiences. Maybe things are different in your life outside of your relationship, like your job. There are some aspects of yourself that you may want to and that may be good to take back. But, it is important to realize that things will never be exactly the same as they were before. It is also important to realize that moving on from relationships take some time and it is normal to be sad for a while.

So, with all this said, how do you feel like yourself again after a breakup?

How to feel like yourself again after a breakup:

Identify what parts of yourself you lost and want back

The first step is to identify the things and parts of yourself that you want to embody again or that you feel like you lost and how you got there. What would make you feel like yourself? Maybe you were a very outgoing person before and you feel like you lost that. Ask yourself what energized you? Did you like spending time with friends? Did you like striking up random conversations with strangers? Were you part of certain social groups or clubs? Try to go back to doing those things.

Spend time with friends

Maybe in your relationship you lost track of some friends, maybe you just weren’t able to see them as much as you used to. Regardless, reconnecting or connecting with those you love is a great way to find support, maybe get a distraction, and just feel like yourself again after a breakup. Your friends, whether they are friends you have independently or those you share with your partner, likely want what’s best for you and can remind you of who you were before.

Do things you used to enjoy

Make a list of activities you currently enjoy or used to enjoy before your relationship either alone or with others. Whether they are things you do every week or something you haven’t done since childhood, engaging in activities you enjoy or once did can help you reconnect with yourself, or at least just make you happy. Doing activities you haven’t done in a while could also help you realize what you missed while you were in a relationship and see the silver lining.

Try something new

Have you always wanted to travel to a city, take a cooking class, or try that trapeze class? Trying something new that has no attachments to your previous partner(s) can help empower you to forge onto the future by yourself. It is a good way to get out of your comfort zone, maybe meet new people if you want, or just expand your horizons and have fun either by yourself or with loved ones.

Take back space

This can be space in your apartment, on your walls, or in your bed. Maybe you gave your partner(s) drawers or closet space. Maybe your walls or picture frames are filled with their photos or memorabilia. Maybe you are still sticking to sleeping on “your side” of the bed. Use this opportunity to take back that space.

Fill those drawers or closets with your clothes. Spread your stuff out. Take down the pictures and/or memorabilia and replace them with photos of places and people you love or art that you love. Make your space for you and you alone. Try sleeping in the middle of your bed and going full starfish. Take the space that you deserve. You don’t need to limit yourself. In relationships, you often have to make space for others or their opinions. Do things that you can only do by yourself.

Turn to your faith/ spirituality

Faith and spirituality can be a rock for many. It can also provide comfort in life transitions, or a return to something you may have let go of. Faith and spirituality often provide a greater purpose and meaning to life, which can help people feel back on track. They can provide a community and other external support that you may need to help you feel like yourself again after a breakup.

Explore you

Reestablish your relationship with yourself. It is common to put others first sometimes in relationships or to make some sacrifices. This is your chance to put yourself first and build back and explore the relationship you have with you. Explore what you want out of life and what you enjoy. Appreciate your strengths and how you’ve grown and thrived over time. You can do this by journaling, meditating, or even just by spending time by yourself.

Part of exploring yourself may also be to do so sexually. Experiment with different ways to masterbate and pleasure yourself. This can be empowering in many ways: it gives you the ability to have full control - you don’t need to compromise or try to pleasure someone else, it allows you to fulfill a possible role of a partner by yourself, and it allows you to explore anything you may be interested in without thinking about the reaction of sharing what that is. Finally, it allows you to get to know what you like and what turns you on. This will be helpful in ensuring you have pleasurable sex in future interactions with yourself and others.

Create a dating profile

Even if you aren’t ready to jump back into the dating game or if you are not an online dater, it can be helpful to create a dating profile. This is because it is an action you can do solely for you. It can also help you get back in touch with yourself and boost your confidence. Additionally, it can give you a taste of what is out there and how you may feel getting back in the dating game. Maybe it can also be a chance for you to decide what type of person or people you want to be with next, or if you want to explore. Regardless, you can test the waters with getting on dating apps and get in touch with yourself while you’re at it.

Reflect on your past relationship

As painful as it sounds, reflecting on your past relationship is an important part of moving on and feeling like yourself again after a breakup. Ask yourself what you liked about your relationship, what you didn’t like, and what you want and don’t want in a relationship in the future. Think about the areas in which you grew and what you learned from the relationship. Even if it was an unhealthy or toxic relationship, try to think about what you learned from it. Did it reassure you of your strength? Can you recognize unhealthy relationship traits? Do you know what you want or don’t want out of relationships going forward? Try to think about what you can take away from the relationship so when you look back you can feel like you learned something or it happened for a reason.

** If you’ve experienced infidelity and want help repairing your self-worth, read this tip.

It will take some time to feel like yourself again after a breakup, and regardless, you probably won’t go back to being the same exact person you were before. That is because we as people are constantly changing, and with every new interaction, we learn and we change. But, hopefully you’ll emerge as a better version of yourself, one who has grown and learned from their experience, or at least one who knows themself a little better.

If you are struggling with a breakup or not feeling like yourself, a good solution is to seek therapy. A break up can be a very difficult situation that a therapist can help guide you through. The Center for Growth offers grief and relationship therapy at our offices in Philadelphia, PA, Mechanicsville, VA, Ocean City, NJ, and Santa Fe, NM. We also offer virtual therapy in GA and FL. Please call 215-922-5683 x 100 or self schedule an appointment with one of our relationship and grief therapists.